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The Funniest Thing I Ever Saw

One summer I remember spending the forth of July with Aunt Fanny, Uncle Earl, and their tribe. First there was the parade down the main street, then a picnic when the parade was over, then fireworks after dark. It was fun seeing some of your cousins in the High School band, or marching with the 4H club. Uncle Earl complained about never seeing a parade himself. That's true, he never got to see the parade, he was always in it. Uncle Earl was one of those who went to France in 1917 with the AEF. Whenever there was a parade in town, the veterans all got to ride in a shiny new car and be admired by their fellow citizens. It was pretty neat. After the parade, the family marshaled at the house where we picked up the food, counted noses, and loaded everyone into the car to go to the picnic.

The picnic was held at a large grove out near the golf course. It was fairly modern for its day; they had several outhouses strategically located through out the grove. All were two holers as I remember, which was fairly modern for those times. At least, you didn't have to run for the high weeds with a Sears catalog if you had some movement forthcoming.

Also at the grove, they had a carnival complete with pony rides, a Ferris wheel, a merry-go-round, and the usual array of side show tents. They had races of all kinds during the day, with good prizes to the winners. Later, after dark, they had the fireworks display. They had Niagara Falls in fireworks, and then the band would play America the Beautiful as the American flag was displayed in fireworks. Then the grand finale with a bunch of rockets all going off at once. A good old fashioned 4^th of July country picnic, that's what it was.

It was in the early afternoon when I spotted a couple of my cousins and an uncle or two. My cousin Walter, my Uncle Clarence, and Uncle Leonard were there. They were loafing around under a shade tree drinking beer. I joined them and I was offered a coke, which I gratefully accepted. I remember getting more curious by the moment because they were all watching the women's outhouse and making references to "the right time" and "this is gonna be fun" and other comments of that nature. A couple of ladies would go into the outhouse and somebody would say "No, not yet. It's not the right time". "The right time for what?" I wondered. Well, it appears that one of my cousins and a friend of his had set things up for some fooling around. They day before the picnic, they came out to the grove with a hundred fifty feet of rubber garden hose. They put one end of it through a knothole into the ladies outhouse, right below the holes. Then they rolled the hose out and ran the other end of it out to the shade tree where we were standing. Then they had a large funnel stuck in the near end of the hose and it functioned like a megaphone. Talk in one end, your voice comes out the other end in the ladies outhouse one hundred and fifty feet away.

There was a short line of women waiting their turn to get into the outhouse. At long last, two gals came out and two more went in with nobody waiting behind them. Someone said "now". They waited a few moments longer, just to be sure the girls got settled in OK. The air was filled with anticipation and excitement. Still, I had no idea what was going on or what to expect. Then, all eyes turned on one of the men as he picked up the end of the garden hose. He put his mouth close to the funnel and began to speak.

He said something like "Aw, come on ladies, I'm trying to finish painting down here, and you ladies got your butts covering up the holes. You're shutting out all the light". Everyone quickly turned away from the man with the hose and began looking at the outhouse. A moment went by, another moment, then BANG, the outhouse door came flying open and these two women came out with their dresses part way up, and trying to pull up their panties while at the same time galloping off at top speed. I thought I would die laughing. I did not expect that, and it was the funniest thing I ever saw in my young life. I laughed so hard my stomach hurt.

They pulled the same stunt several more times, but it was never as funny as it was that very first time. And, if you were one of the ladies involved, why, it wasn't funny at all I'm sure. After a while, two of the victims returned to the scene of the crime with a man. He was either a policeman or the park ranger. The ladies were chewing his ear off as he looked inside the outhouse, then he checked around the outside. It didn't take him long, he spotted the rubber hose and began to trace it back towards the shade trees. By the time he got there, we were all long gone.

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